Hey guys. I’m not doing so well lately. Although I’ve finally experienced some good days this month (thank you 8lb 6oz baby Jesus!), my bad days are still just as bad.
I have this really bad, counterproductive habit of setting my expectations way too high, and lately I find myself hoping and wishing and sometimes even convincing myself that “this month will be the month I don’t have any set backs.” And for about 2 weeks when I tend to experience my good days, I feel invincible and I’m so sure I won’t have to deal with a flare up. Then, like clockwork, I’m dragged back down.
On the good days I don’t want to think about Lyme disease. I want to go enjoy life and do ordinary things and marvel at my normalness. Although my thinking may be flawed, when I feel good, I just want to separate myself from Lyme and my health problems as much as possible, because I know that my time is limited before I’ll be forced to think about and deal with it again.
On the bad days, I’m practically incapable of blogging, or sitting upright long enough to type anything of substance for that matter. Which is probably good for you guys, because my posts would not be coherent anyway. (i.e. Did I wear these pajama pants yesterday? I want pizza. Did my muscles disintegrate overnight? It definitely did not take this much effort to stand up yesterday… It feels like I have no blood in my head. It’s been over a year since I’ve even smelled pizza. Mmmm processed dairy and gluten. I hate this. Why don’t I have any good books to read? Bleh. This house is a prison. On planet bullshit. Where is my vitamin C? Ugh. Carbs! I want CARBS! A ceiling mounted TV right over my bed would do wonders for my neck and back pain right now. No but seriously, who moved/stole my vitamin C? Everything SUCKS. I really need food but the need for my body to be horizontal is winning right now. This pill bottle of herbs smells like cheese and old socks. Am I having another hot flash or is my Biomat too hot? Where the hell is my – oh it’s in my hand.)
So between that, and the fact that I’m dealing with a lot in my personal life right now, I haven’t blogged about my Lyme stuff as much as I would like. Recently we found out that my boyfriend got a promotion (yay!) and will be moving out of state for a job (boo!). He told me I wasn’t allowed to say “out of state” because it’s too dramatic/misleading. He might be right because he’s just moving from Maryland to northern Virginia, but still… it’s not my fault Maryland is tiny and technically it’s still a factual statement. Anyway, saying “out-of-state” seems more fitting because it allows me to not feel so bad for freaking out about how his move will dramatically turn our/my world upside down.
I’m really happy for him, but it is definitely way too much to deal with right now. I’ve experienced a wide range of emotions about the whole situation. The move has countless implications for him, me, and us as couple. But without going into all of that, the bottom line is that my best friend and the most important member of my support system will be 1.5 hours away (instead of 20 minutes away) and on top of that, very stressed, preoccupied and busy. I know, I know… It’s not that far. But for someone with chronic illness and chronic pain (which is greatly exacerbated by driving), it certainly makes things difficult to say the least.
His first day on the job happens to be ONE day before my last and final cavitation surgery, too. Which I’m not happy about, because he was relatively absent for both of my first two surgeries for various reasons, but I’m just forcing myself to get over it and put on my big girl panties.
The process is moving really fast, and I’m trying to support him the best I can. He will be starting his new job in Virginia in less than a week, so this past weekend was jam packed with lots of driving, frantic apartment hunting and a lengthy IKEA trip that definitely pushed my mind and body wayyyy past it’s limits.
And now I’m paying for it.
Seriously though – IKEA is not made for people with chronic fatigue. Quick question, Swedish IKEA Gods: could you maybe do me a favor and disperse your couches throughout the store instead of having them all in the beginning? And what’s up with the never ending, labyrinthe/maze/pinball machine layout? Could you, like, not? Please and thank you.
Also – side note – I’m quite proud that my boyfriend and I made it through Ikea without any meltdowns. It was his first time and I’m not quite sure he was aware that we were getting into dangerous territory. IKEA is the place good relationships go to die. You’re generally not supposed to go there with people that you like. I’m pretty sure if you get through Ikea with less than 2 break-up threats, you qualify as a healthy stable couple. I don’t know, that’s just what I heard.
It’s probably because:
- All your hopes and dreams are crushed when the $39 sleek and modern barstools you saw online turn out to look like shit
- The bar stools you like second most are $339
- There are NO windows
- You’re literally trapped in IKEA prison until you go through every possible inch of the store in the exact order they make you
- You’re in a giant herd of other stressed shoppers on the brink of screaming at their partners
- TOO MANY THINGS
- You cant just collect the things you want, you have to write down all these numbers with a stupid golf pencil and hope to God it’s in stock when you get to the giant warehouse at the end
- You never remember to write the right number down, and the chair you liked 2 hours ago is now a hazy blur
- In the checkout line, 4 hours later, you look in your cart and realize you don’t even care about that pillow you spent 45 minutes picking out
- I could go on but I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it
Anyway, thank goodness we have the exact same design taste (yes I’m including myself in this, even though it’s HIS stuff for HIS apartment, that he’s paying for with HIS money…. He designated me as the head interior designer for his apartment and I take my job seriously). No seriously though, we bonded over liking and hating the exact same things. And he totally got my design “visions,” whatever that means. So basically, we made it as a couple! But my body was really pissed about our IKEA excursion.
On top of that I think I have a food hangover. My boyfriend graciously made us some Lyme diet friendly food to bring with us to Virginia so I didn’t have panic attacks about whether or not my food was safe and when I was going to get my next meal. But on Sunday, we ran out of food and after being trapped in the black hole that is IKEA for
a whole day and night hours, we desperately needed to grab some sort of food before we drove home.
For any of you that don’t know me in person, I am normally very careful about my food ingredients and have been diligently avoiding gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, yeast, grains, alcohol, artificial sweeteners, GMO’s etc. for a year and a half now, and I mostly eat home cooked meals to make that possible. The only fast food restaurant I go to is Elevation Burger because I can get a grass-fed organic burger in a lettuce wrap instead of a bun. BUT…lately I’ve been in rare form. It takes an incredible amount of effort to find ways to eat within my strict diet while traveling, and my patience and tolerance for it is wearing thin. So I pulled out the card I’ve been holding onto, but successfully avoided using, for a year and half: Chipotle.
I knew that a lot of people that follow the Paleo diet (a more mainstream diet that’s similar to the Lyme diet) rely on Chipotle when they’re in a pinch, and I saw one right outside the Ikea when we were driving in. So when we reached the checkout line, my legs were numb and I was questioning my sanity and trying desperately to remember what day it was, I decided in my post-IKEA, sensory overload, PTSD-like state, that we were going to Chipotle, damnit.
I began googling how to stay gluten free and Paleo at Chipotle while he checked out. Long story short, once we got there, the line moved faster than anticipated and I wasn’t ready! Being somewhat of a Chipotle newb, I tried to follow my boyfriend’s lead but I was having serious fast food anxiety. (Yep, I just made that up.)
At the first part of the counter, I chose a salad and added sautéed veggies and pork (according to someone on the internet, the only meat there that’s not fried in soybean oil). Then my food started moving up the counter faster than the line of customers was moving, and I found myself panicking, trying to look at the ingredients before the next Chipotle guy looked at me expectantly. AH! At this point I was awkwardly standing on my tip toes, lengthening my neck, trying to point so I didn’t have to scream. I managed to tell him that I wanted guacamole, pico de gallo…..and somehow, I felt pressured and I accidentally told him that I wanted sour cream.
To be honest, I don’t know if this was intentional, a Freudian slip, because my boyfriend got sour cream or because I was really feeling the (imaginary) peer pressure from the Chipotle guy and all the other customers around me (who couldn’t care less and definitely were not paying attention to my order). But half a millisecond later, my meat and veggies were covered with the largest spoonful of sour cream I’ve ever seen. It definitely was not a dollop. It was like 5 dollops – almost a ladle.
At this point, my boyfriend and I just looked at each other, made the same wide-eyed face, and tried not to acknowledge what happened, and I escaped the scene of the crime to go find us a table while he paid for our meals. From there on out, its like a drunk blur. But I obviously indulged in the naughty, processed dairy covered cheat meal, and about 20 minutes into the drive home I felt like shit.
That was last night. This morning I woke up, still in my food coma, to go to a brand new functional medicine doctor. This was supposed to be a big deal, because I have been “doctorless” since July (read: in between doctors because I wasn’t satisfied with the doctor we spent thousands of dollars on and 6+ months with, but we couldn’t find a better one) while I’ve been focusing on all the oral surgeries and dental stuff. Even without a doctor, we’ve spending huge amounts of money on my healthcare and I’ve been swamped with seeing my PT, acupuncturist, massage therapist, and all the extensive dental appointments I had (which included Reiki, nutritional therapy and laser treatments etc.)
The plan was to wait until all my of my surgeries were done, see how I felt, and then go to a new doctor. But we decided to start the process earlier, because even though I can tell the cavitation surgeries are making a positive difference by reducing the overall bacterial load on my body, I still am having multiple issues – to the point where my parents are really concerned when I have my bad days.
So after 4 hours of filling out paperwork/medical history online in the patient portal, gathering all my bloodwork and lab results in a giant accordion folder, and bringing all my current medications and supplements, I was ready for my new doctor. Flash forward 3 hours, and I’m completely and utterly drained, driving back home with my mom.
I’ve done this too many times, but the whole process doesn’t get any easier; having to inform a new person about all of my health issues is always exhausting. Going over my medical history is lengthy, confusing and just a general mess. Then comes the information overload: all the tests that she wants me to do (some while in the office today, some while at home with lab kits, and some at a Labcorp) and all the supplements she wants me to start taking. Lots of things to do, to start, to research, to report back on, and to follow up on.
It’s a full time job.
It went well I guess. I only cried once this time, so that’s good I guess. I always hate when that happens. I can’t tell if I like her yet. She seemed competent, but we’ll see. I was honestly too burnt out from this weekend to be fully “with it” today. With my boyfriend moving, my upcoming surgery next week, and having to deal with all the new patient stuff today, I’m feeling very exhausted and overwhelmed.
So, that’s all for now folks.
My hope is that this week, I will write another post to finish telling you guys about my cavitation adventure so far, and get all that information out before I have my last and final surgery next week. (Because when I was writing my last post about it, I was lazy and I inconveniently stopped mid-story. How rude of me.)